May Seventeenth Two Thousand & Ten (PM) 05/18/2010
These days it seems I am constantly swimming in a pool of tissue; most likely because I am. Every year around March, my allergies start to flare up. The pain and agony usually last until July or so. I’ve tried every kind of medication and nothing works. I’ve even attempted to combine different options, mostly I am left with a sore nose, dry sinuses and still unable to get a measly stream of air through either nostril.
Tomorrow my new workout buddy is making her way to whole foods to get her own personal items. I conned her into picking me up some local honey and bee pollen. I can only pray that this will work. I feel as though it is my last option. And I desperately want to be able to enjoy the outdoors again. I mean it is summer after all. Why should I have to suffer through allergies AND the intense Texas heat? It just doesn’t seem fair.
Universe, I am taking action. It’s up to you to do the rest. Don’t let me down.
Turns out my instinct was wrong. Perhaps it was actually just clouded by my overwhelming ability to think positively? Either way, my immediate reaction to the news was panic. All I could think of was the money we don’t have. And then it hit me that I only thought that way because I have been doing it for so long; weird how patterns become habitual.
The House on Hall Street
The fact is that we do have money now. It’s quite lovely. I decided to release my panic to The Universe and trust that there is a greater plan at hand. I mean, we already have the house on Hall Street waiting for us for a wee $500 a month. It will be nice to be able to create my own space again.
Oh, how I long to submerge my paintbrush in paint and fingers into pastels.
Soon, very soon.
I got the urge to ask a friend if they wanted to be my roommate. It was odd, came out of no where and left me feeling pleasant about the possible experience. Either way my friends boat goes, it’s nice to know the offer was considered.
I asked the landlord if I could plant flowers, plants and create a garden. She said yes. For this, I am stoked. It will be a glorious garden. Tomatoes, tamitillos, jalapenos, peppers, and whatever else makes it’s way into my shopping cart.
There is nothing as rewarding as planting something and watching it grow.
May Seventeenth Two Thousand & Ten 05/17/2010
Where to start...
My last entry was Thursday. I always think it's funny how I write less when I am not in a moment of crisis.
Last week was a doozy. The BF was gone for most of the week, working out of town (which ended working out wonderfully) because I spent a lot of my time being attached to completeing many tasks with my job. It feels nice being devoted to something that works towards the greater good of the world and even more-so, the greater good of ME! It is incredible. How did I get so lucky to find a job that allows me to feed my belly and my soul. Thanks Universe, for listening.
I spent the greater part of Saturday night getting drunk beyond belief. Why I did this, who knows?
Sunday was lovely. We had the event and 3 new people showed up. I think the end result of what we made will be wonderful. Just waiting to get the pictures from the photographer before we can wrap that project up.
I had an encounter with her yesterday. I tried my hardest to not be bothered by her presence and look to see what I had to learn versus being threatened. I felt better about the situation then I have in the past. Still kind of a burning knot in my stomach. I can only hope that too will pass.
No word yet on my living situation. The last time I spoke to him about staying here I got a good feeling. I kind of think he is waiting it out to prove that it's on his terms. Which is fine, I just want to hear a yes. I will ask hime again today. I am anxious to get a new desk and rearrange things so I feel comfy and cozy, instead of crowded and uncomfortable.
This morning I got up and met my new workout buddy at the park. We walked 3 miles and sweated a bucket. It was wonderful. I feel really good about taking action. I don't know what inspired me, but I am glad it did.
Tonight, I go see my aunt!
May Thirteenth Two Thousand & Ten 05/13/2010
To move or not to move, THAT is the question.
Even before I arrived back in Texas, I had planned on moving Brawn out of our old apartment and into our new house on Preston. A kink was thrown into our plans when I found out the house on Preston would not be ready by June 1st.
The landlord of the the house on Preston had another rent house on Hall Street that was offered to us, until the house on Preston was ready to go.
I went and saw the house and something didn't feel right about it. I can't seem to get the inspiration to want to move into it and on top of that, the things that need to take place in order to make a house livable, are not happening without force and frustration.
Why do I need to move into this new house, when the house on Preston is the one I really want and we already have a roof over our heads now?
The roommate that we have now isn't the easy to live with. He is somewhat, (and by somewhat, I mean VERY) territorial. He made it very clear this is HIS apartment and I kind of stay locked up in the room.
It does not have to be this way. I can very simply choose peace. I could redecorate the room. Move furniture around and go buy a desk so I have a comfortable place to work. Even thinking of this option gets me excited. Resolves my stress about money (even though we have plenty,) and makes me want to sigh with relief.
Step 1. Ask roommate if he is okay with us staying here or if he has already found someone to lease the room.
Step 2. Go shopping! Get some new items that represent what I want to bring into my life now. (The decor in the room at this moment is not so attractive.)
Step 3. Tell "new" landlord I no longer wish to move into the house on Hall. But will be ready and waiting for the house on Preston when it becomes available.
This plan feels good.
May Twelfth Two Thousand & Ten 05/12/2010
I would love to tell you that my way of being has improved, but I would be lying. It's unusual for me to be in this space for this length of time because it usually never lasts longer then a few days. But now, I am going on several weeks.
Needless to say this is not any fun.
But regardless of what I want or don't want, here I sit.
I had a dream last night. Several actually in one, I was cleaning up large amounts of vomit....
To dream that you are vomiting, indicates that you need to reject or discard an aspect of your life that is revolting. There are some emotions or concepts that you need to confront and then let go.
To see others vomiting in your dream, signifies false pretenses of people who try to take advantage of you.
(although this doesn't specify about what it means to clean up another vomit.)
I could assume that I was trying to clean up the mess of the ones who are trying to take advantage of me. Although I can't think of one person in my life right now that is.
The other part of a dream I was me sitting at a bar, surrounded by my boyfriend and friends and then I fainted. When I began to faint, it actually woke me up.
To dream that you are fainting, suggests your inability to confront some unconscious issue or feelings. You need to be more aware and acknowledge of those feelings.
There you have it.
But what happens when you don't know which issues you are suppose to be confronting?
May Eleventh Two Thousand & Ten (PM) 05/11/2010
In attempt to get my Mojo back, I decided it would be best for me start back up with keeping a Joy Journal to acknowledge my accomplishments, dreams, goals and desires. This will keep my present and a little less depressed.
What Are 5 Things I Am Grateful For?
What Are 5 Things I Am Letting Go of Right Now?
1. The story that I am “stuck in muck.”
2. The idea that I am/are going to fail.
3. Playing the victim role.
4. The idea that I lack self discipline.
5. Negative Self Talk
What Are 5 Things I Am Manifesting?
1. The house on Preston Road.
2. A larger income.
3. Financial Freedom
4. A class, course or workshop I will learn great things from.
5. A breakthrough.
May Eleventh Two Thousand & Ten 05/11/2010
Is all of this too much for me to handle? As I ask myself that, I realize The Universe would not put anything on my plate that I could not handle.
But why am I stalling? What am I afraid of? Why do I feel stagnant? Useless? Wrong? Fat? Irritable? Lazy? Depressed? Sad? Gross? Angry? Frustrated? Helpless? Panicked? Fearful? Scared? And kind of alone? Especially when I know that I am not.
ME, the me I have always been is not any of these things. However all of these emotions are something I greatly resonate with right now. This is how I feel. This is how my life is looking. The actions I have been taking are very much in align with these emotions.
It honestly disgusts me.
This is the most honest I have been about my emotional, slowly shifting into physical way of being. It scares me to the bone to say the least.
I know I have the power to shift this. It is merely an action of choosing to be something different, to think something different, to act a different way; a way that serves me. But I do not.
I feel like my job, that I love dearly, the job that has given so much space to grow, become, give and be, is slipping through my fingers. I know that my absence in the community, my lack of ability to step up to the plate is in fact validating my thoughts of it all slipping through my fingers. The consequences of my actions are slowly but surely coming into play. Little comments from my boss and other co-workers.
Maybe all of this "acting out" is cry for attention or help? What do I need help from, though? Perhaps in settling back into being home and realizing my fear of not being able to travel is in fact creating it's own reality by sabotaging my job, thus allowing me to fail instead of basking in my own success.
Am I self sabotaging? That is what resonates with me.
What will most likely happen if I continue on this path?
1. I will gain enormous amounts of weight.
2. I will lose my position at my beloved career.
3. I will be angry, sad and dead inside.
4. I will no longer inspire people regularly.
5. I will be alone.
6. I will be a victim of my own circumstances.
7. I will have lost sight of my purpose.
What is my purpose? Where is ME?
May Tenth Two Thousand & Ten 05/10/2010
Ever since my last post I have been thinking about what I will write in my next one. However, this space is very different for me than the many others that I have.
Here, I don't need a plan. I don't have to know what I am going to say, have a moral to the story or even make sure it is interesting enough for others to read. Here, I can just release my thoughts through my fingers, onto the key board and into cyber space. I am glad I have this outlet.
I don't like to wake up early in the mornings. It's not fun for me. My bed looks so cozy and warm. It makes it difficult to want to leave or let alone even think about leaving. So I stay in it. Luckily I have a job that allows me to do so. But I feel I have been neglecting my responsibilities with them and that leaves me feeling bad about waking up at noon.
I decided today I was no longer going to let myself be mad at me for not getting up at 7 a.m. (like I often set the intention on doing.) I am going to let it be what it is. If I get up earlier, cool. If not- oh well. I believe the key factor is completing all of my obligations regardless of what time I get up and THEN I will have no reason to feel bad about it. Ding! Ding! Ding! It's called integrity, ya know.
May Sixth Two Thousand & Ten 05/06/2010
My status on my Gmail reads "Trying to just be." That is indeed exactly what is going on in my body right now. I am aware that I am not grounded. I have not meditated in over a week and can't seem to make myself sit down to do so. It is as if my spirit is floating in the atmosphere, hovering, waiting for my physical self to be ready for what it has to offer me. Am I ready? I mean really, am I ready?
I know that The Universe would never actually give me anything I am unable to handle. Although I feel it is necessary for me to be completely in tune with my intuition in order for me to know that the path I am choosing/will choose/ might choose/ could choose, is the "right" one.
So for now, I am practicing "just being." Which is much easier said then done at times. I am lucky that I have a job where being your most authentic self is one of the key factors. It makes being where I am not only acceptable, but encouraged.
I have faith that my breakthrough will come, patience is needed and from what I hear, it is, in fact, a virtue. I can't help but continue to ask myself "What is it you really want?"
The words I am left with is identity crisis. At this point, I feel like my friends, family and supporters have more of an idea of who I am then I do. It's actually kind of comforting. Maybe I will just borrow some of their confidence until I regain a sense of my own.
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