June Nineth Two Thousand & Ten 06/09/2010
This morning I left for Misson, Kansas where Shannon Kinney-Duh and her family live. I first met Shannon via the internet somewhere between Twitter, Etsy, the Owning Pink Community and her blog, Free Spirit Knits. I instantly fell in love with her creativity and generosity. So much so, that I created my thumbs up page in honor of her, to share the things, people and places I love with all of you.
The drive to Kansas was filled with brief, but beautiful thunder storms and rolling hills of green grass and cows. One of the coolest things about the drive were the left hand pull offs (heading north-bound) that have Circle K gas stations, picnic tables and McDonalds. It made getting on and off the highway more than convenient. The only thing that would have made it cooler is if the chosen restaurant would have been something healthy and organic.
There were toll tags on the Highway (I-35.) It cost me a total of $6.25 to make my way to Mission. (I thought that was odd.)
I had a feeling before I got here that I was going to feel like I was at home when I arrived. My intuition was correct. I walked into a world of love and creativity of a kind that I have never experienced before. Shannon and her husband, Chris are both artists and there home certainly shows it.
We ate dinner, took a walk to the community garden and then game home for Keasten's (their little one) bedtime.
I have many more lovely details and pictures of their incredible house to come later. But for now I am going to curl up with the whale pillow Keasten so kindly let me borrow. Goodnight.
June Eighth Two Thousand & Ten 06/08/2010
I got an e-mail from Dana as I was leaving Discount Tire. The intent of the e-mail was to schedule a time to talk about my position with Owning Pink; how I could better serve it and it better serve me. But instead of doing just that, it sent me into a whirlwind of panic and upset.
My whole way home one question kept running through my mind, “what do I have to offer?” It was as if each insecurity that ever existed within me began bubbling to the surface. It came pouring out of me in the form of tears and sweat.
As the night went on, Brawn and I ended up at his grandparent’s house. The movie “The Sandlot” was on. It was at the part where Babe Ruth was talking to Benny in a dream. Babe said, “Every person has one chance to be great.” It wasn’t that I agreed with that statement, but it rang true to me that this was an opportunity for just that; a chance to be great.
Frankly, that scared the hell out of me.
Unlike Lissa, who has always worked as hard as she needed to and many times beyond that to get to where she wants to be; I have floated through life hardly doing any grunt work. Always doing things that were fun for me- but more so, easy.
When I participated in Landmark Education Courses I learned that my “act” (the attitude that comes up when I am confronted with something that pushes my buttons,) was “do it my way or I’ll leave.” This has come up in relationships, jobs, school, everywhere really, that my ego had the opportunity to show itself. In many cases (mostly with my relationships,) I was able to notice when my act was present and move beyond it. But in other cases, like my job, it’s not always so obvious for me and in most cases, I just changed jobs. I fled from opportunities for me to grow.
But now, a conflict has arisen. My ego is showing itself in the face of change and evolution but I have no true desire to flee. My choices are clear. I can give into my ego and let it prosper once more or I can push through the barriers that show themselves and have faith that The Universe; love will prosper once more.
Owning Pink is growing, changing, expanding and evolving. I have been a part of this creation for almost one year now. At one point, I felt as though there was no line between where Owning Pink started and where I stopped. I hated this. Not having my own identity made me angry, frustrated and mind-boggled. I long to get ME back, but didn’t know how. I would like to say that I have moved out of this space entirely, but the truth is, I haven’t.
The only difference now is that I see and am clear about the fact that we are all one. Owning Pink is a pure energy of love and trust that exists for us all. We are all wrapped up it. We are all one.
Where I am left now is looking within to find my voice to share with Owning Pink. MY voice. This is where the tears start again. It is not time for me to leave Owning Pink, not yet. Owning Pink has been a continual catalyst for my evolution. I am ready to replace my ego with love and surrender to The Universe. I am creating a calm, smooth, transition into love; after all, nothing else exists.
So the question remains, what do I have to offer Owning Pink? Specifically, I am not really sure right now. If I had to put my job description in box- I couldn’t do it.
I do know that Magical Eyes is where I am. There is great value in this conversation for the community and myself. Dana and I have spoken about doing audio and video interviews, written interviews and of course posts about what I am experiencing with Magical Eyes. There is more creativity brewing inside me with what will come of all of this. I have the ability to make it more expansive and get people involved, creating it as more of a movement then just a page on our website. Perhaps even a workshop series.
This is bigger than my ego. This is what I am here for- to show love, guide others to love and be an example of love. This is scary. It is BIG. It is huge. It is beautiful. Taking this project on would not be taking the easy way out; fleeing. It would be taking a brick to my ego’s head. I want to do this, I can do this and if you are still interested in having me do this, I will.
I have contacted a company (Frame of Mind Coaching) that I am going to pursue becoming a certified life coach with. I feel that much of the work I will be doing with FOMC will provide me with platforms to move past my barriers at rapid speed.
To be continued.....
June Seventh Two Thousand & Ten 06/08/2010
I sit here in frustration, mostly with myself, but definitely directed at the banks. Toward the end of last month I had over $200 in over draft fees. This is not an unusual thing for me. It had been, however, several months since I over drafted in my account. I was stoked when I got notice in the mail that we could opt out of over draft fees entirely, simply by signing a form. I of course went in on June 2nd to opt out of the $38 NSF I so often get assigned when I neglect balancing my check book.
I signed on to my account today to level things out and on June 1st, I was charged and NSF even though it does not display in my account that I went over. The bank agreed to dismiss it for me, but still stated that I did in fact over draft. I think they took this opportunity as their last chance to try and get one up on me before they could no longer do so.
The bigger conversation at hand is money. It seems that has been surrounding me lately. Brawn and I have more of it flowing in lately and I am doing my best to manage it and put it where it benefits us most.
But to be entirely honest- money makes me nervous. I don't know if it is a conversation I am having with myself that says "I don't deserve it, I'm not worthy" etc. Or if I am poorly educated on how to handle money. Perhaps both.
As you know, we bought a new TV this past week. It is really nice and really expensive. All of a sudden I find myself paranoid about who shows up at the house, wanders on our lawn or knows about what we have and don't have. In the very moment that I acquire something of material value, I fear it will be taken from me.
I have no doubt that this is slight indication of a much deeper conversation I am having with myself subconsciously.
Also, I want to be a life coach. I found a program I am excited about and feel in align with. The cost of the program is $7,000 -$9,000. My first instinct was, I can't do this. But why can't I do this? Just because it has great value? Is it too good for me? Am I not capable of coming up with an extra $640 a month? What is stopping me from being wealthy and loving it? What will be the last straw?
June Sixth Two Thousand & Ten 06/06/2010
I am sitting at Brawn's Mom's house right now hoarding their internet, washer, dryer and hot dogs. Danielle is so generous (thank you.) Brawn is outside building a front deck for her home. I still don't understand how Brawn can stand to work out in the heat. I believe it is over 100 degrees right now. Maybe the hot dogs helped?
Our home is coming together nicely. We got a new TV this weekend (that I was hesitant to buy.) We agreed on having "No TV nights," I think that will help. Last week we spent an evening together playing dominoes and drinking Keystone tall-boys, just us two. It was really nice. I appreciate the fact that it's been almost two years and we can still make each other laugh and have lots to talk about. #Grateful
Yesterday we obtained the last of our belongings from the various places we had them stored. Slowly but surely I am unpacking and putting things in their place.
I want to have the okay to buy this place, but right now it is out of my hands. I have a list of projects I already want to start on.
We've had people over just about every night now. Brawn's brother spends the night some weekends.
There is something beneficial to me about having the option for others to stay over and by comfy if they need to or want to.
The missing element at this moment is a window unit (air conditioner) in the living room and second bedroom. For now we are using fans to circulate air. So far, so good.
This Wednesday I leave for Kansas City, MO to see Shannon and visit with her family. I am very much looking forward to this. As you know, I already declared my love for her.
In this moment, I am open to what The Universe has to show me.
June Third Two Thousand & Ten 06/03/2010
I've been sitting here thinking about what I would write for my blog today, but the reason I created this blog was so that I wouldn't have to think about what to write. Just put my finger's to the key board and let it fly.
This is my fourth day at Starbucks. I have been using their internet since I don't have it hooked up at the new house just yet.
I just got off the phone with Kim from Frame of Mind coaching. It occurred to me recently that I had completely forgotten I wanted to be a life coach. It wasn't until my boss asked me what I desired. A couple days later she wrote "Do You Fear Your Own Desire," which really turned on a light bulb for me.
I suppose I could call myself a life coach now. I coach people regularly. I don't have a certification, but I think the only thing that really matters is that people are having breakthroughs.
I still crave a kind of structure of coaching that is beneficial to me and others. I know that I must first have a coach in order to coach others. Kim sent an email to a lady that she thinks is a perfect match for me. I am eager to get started with this program.
There is another part of me that thinks that the missing piece to my puzzle lies in taking care of my body. Hmmmmm....
June Second Two Thousand & Ten 06/02/2010
My life, without a doubt, these last couple months have been in struggle mode. Life has been a strong wind blowing towards me. Instead of turning around and walking with the current, I insist on walking into it. Mind you, I am aware that I have it really good. I am grateful for the blessings in my life and give thanks daily. However the resistance resumes and I had yet to get to the root of my problem.
It just so happens that today is the first day of our book club. We are reading Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love. I have read this book before; in fact I believe it was this time last year when I had picked it up for the first time. Last year, this book dramatically shifted my life for the better. Around my birthday, in September we took a trip to Port Aransas, Texas (best vacation I’ve ever had,) and found myself on my journey to surrender. So it was no surprise that in my re-reading it, I found some incredible golden nuggets in just the first few chapters.
The Light Bulb Came On
I think the light bulb first came on when I read, “I of myself am nothing.”
It is crazy to me how we have these incredible epiphanies that alter our lives and a few years later it can be as if we had never discovered anything. It is so easy to slip back into the patterns that have failed us so many times over. I have been resisting life and I have definitely been resisting my work with Owning Pink. It is clear to me now that I have been making my job there, all about me. When in fact, it isn’t about me at all; it is about all the other Pinkies out there who crave product of our services. That is why I do what I do, not for me; for you. I am just lucky enough to love providing other people with Pink Love daily.
“The moment of surrender is not when life is over, it is when it begins. There is no time, no place, no state where God is absent. Whether we love, or close our hearts to love, is a mental choice we make, every moment of every day. God is love. We think we authored God, rather than realizing that he authored us.”
That last sentence was a slap in the face for me. Here I am struggling, RESISTING, and treating the situation as though it is God who is making me struggle, when it is really a lack of God; an absence of love. As though I am in control of what is going on around. Like I know a better way, a happier way, an easier way.
My Viscous Attack on Life
Like giving over my “control” of a situation would be would somehow leave me in the negative. How dare I question God. It is because of him that I even exist.
“We need love in order to live happily, as much as we need oxygen in order to live at all.”
So I believe I once again found the answer to my solution. I will be surrendering my life over to God….. again. It’s a good thing he is all loving and all accepting. Phew. Now I am off to meditate with this wonderful creator we call, love.
June First Two Thousand & Ten 06/01/2010
It's no secret I have been avoiding my work with Owning Pink. I hadn't addressed the issue out-loud until my boss asked me yesterday over gmail chat what I wanted. Then that got me thinking. The reason I ended up working with Owning Pink was because fate landed me in their lap after I requested information about becoming a coach. For whatever reason, I didn't end up pursuing coaching, but it still bubbles thick in my blood.
Lissa asked me to write out, specifically what it is that I want, how Owning Pink can support me and what I have to contribute to them. This is my mission for the week. I am determined to specifically create a plan that serves me and others (but me first.) Who know what will come up?!
PS. How cool is it that one of my job requirements is to be true to myself? #Love
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